I’ve never felt so much disappointment with myself before. The night she disappeared I had a dream that a good friend of mine drowned. I never really saw the friend’s face, nor found out who it truly was in my dream. 

I’m going through this phase where I keep telling myself that I was such a horrible friend. And I’m starting to believe it. I don’t have many close friends. But I also have this habit of pushing people away, where I just need to be alone, not contacting anyone for a while, though I know they are there. I guess we just always assume that they will ALWAYS be there. Was I wrong. 

I miss her. We had a huge fight when we were in high school. Naive and young. But we eventually got over it and our relationship went back to normal. But now that she’s gone, I keep asking myself “Were we really back to normal?” There seems to be a void. Something that tells me, she never really forgave me. And for that, I am beyond words of sorry and regret. 

Her funeral is in a week. I will be in town for it. I truly loved her as a sister. Even now, I can’t accept the fact that she is gone. I keep telling myself that it was a cruel joke and she’ll come back with a bright smile on her face and say that she is okay. 

In fact, my dreams tend to be extremely vivid, like films, but the night I found out about her death, she came to me in a dream, a very blurry dream, and we sat down as if we were doing an interview. But she told me, she told me not to worry and that she was alright. Ah, but my dear friend, never wanted people to worry. She never complained. That was just who she was. 

And I miss her <3 

I miss the good ol’ days. I miss being a crybaby and being able to cry that shit out! I hate being an adult and “holding” shit in. Being the “bigger person” and stepping down, letting all the assholes get their way in life. fuck that shit. I just wanna kick and scream! And if the world thinks I’m a bitch then so be it. I just wanna tell the world to shut the fuck up for a second and listen to the peace of tranquility. God, I need some religion. <— Ironic much? . No . I need a car so I can escape. I need somewhere to escape to. Maybe I’m getting old. I need the feel of human touch. I like that feeling. I was born a crybaby who needed someone to hold me to feel a sense of security. I’m still like that, minus the crybaby part. I like human touch. I like the feel of warmth and comfort. I like the feel of being loved. I want to be loved. 

Please just stop. I am so tired of hearing your bickering. Do you even REALIZE that you don’t sound nice? Is that how you want me to hear it? I don’t understand how everyone else can hear it that way. I don’t understand how everyone can think that you are so sweet and nice and innocent when honestly, you aren’t. You aren’t. And do you realize that I already have so much going on, so much killing my will power, my optimism, my hope, and that every little thing you do, the nagging, bickering, just adds on? Do you know that? Do you know that we are not all built the same way? That my soul is emotional, that it fears and becomes weak easily? Did you know that my heart sighs a thousand times a day and sheds tears of unwanted hate? Did you know? Do you know? …

Do you even care?