I’ve never felt so much disappointment with myself before. The night she disappeared I had a dream that a good friend of mine drowned. I never really saw the friend’s face, nor found out who it truly was in my dream. 

I’m going through this phase where I keep telling myself that I was such a horrible friend. And I’m starting to believe it. I don’t have many close friends. But I also have this habit of pushing people away, where I just need to be alone, not contacting anyone for a while, though I know they are there. I guess we just always assume that they will ALWAYS be there. Was I wrong. 

I miss her. We had a huge fight when we were in high school. Naive and young. But we eventually got over it and our relationship went back to normal. But now that she’s gone, I keep asking myself “Were we really back to normal?” There seems to be a void. Something that tells me, she never really forgave me. And for that, I am beyond words of sorry and regret. 

Her funeral is in a week. I will be in town for it. I truly loved her as a sister. Even now, I can’t accept the fact that she is gone. I keep telling myself that it was a cruel joke and she’ll come back with a bright smile on her face and say that she is okay. 

In fact, my dreams tend to be extremely vivid, like films, but the night I found out about her death, she came to me in a dream, a very blurry dream, and we sat down as if we were doing an interview. But she told me, she told me not to worry and that she was alright. Ah, but my dear friend, never wanted people to worry. She never complained. That was just who she was. 

And I miss her <3